On Friday, Oct. 31, a shocking and unprecedented event struck Jones College Prep. Four thieves armed with pool noodles and wearing false moustaches and novelty sunglasses invaded the north building to steal a shocking haul of beloved Jones items.
At 9:17 a.m., the thieves scaled the outer walls of the building, cutting into a window with a chainsaw and hopping inside Mr. Gordon’s classroom.
“I was in the middle of lecturing about the latest brainrot phrases when the three men and one woman barged inside,” said Gordon. “We all kinda just stared at them in silence and it was really awkward.”
Once inside, the thieves set off an explosion of confetti as a distraction, grabbing Gordon’s favorite blue Sharpie before walking out the door.
“I’m extremely upset about the Sharpie, and it took a long time to clean the confetti,” said Gordon. “I didn’t really know what to do so I just let them take it. The kids thought it was fun and took out their phones to record.”
As the thieves walked through the halls in search of their next item to steal, multiple students pulled out devices to record.
“I thought it was some kind of funny joke,” said James Cook ‘26. “I got a really cool video of them walking, and I thought they looked like a bunch of chill dudes.”
Inside the Harrison foyer, the female thief grabbed the vending machine and ran out of the door into the north parking lot.
“I was buying a bag of animal crackers when a woman came and uprooted the entire machine,” said Emma Smith ‘28. “My jaw dropped and one of the male thieves apologized to me and gave me his glasses before they started running towards the north cafeteria.”
Inside the south lobby, the three remaining thieves headed for their most sought-after item: Billy the Eagle’s costume.
“I was at my usual post, guarding Billy’s costume in the basement. I know how important it is to the students, and usually spend the entire school day watching it,” said head security guard Fuzzy Boogerfeet. “When the elevator door to the basement opened and the men came inside, I was on edge pretty quickly.”
The men set off a confetti explosion once more and started banging a huge snare drum as a distraction.
“The confetti really scared me and I stepped back and let them take the costume,” said Boogerfeet. “My heart aches a bit as I think about it because I know I should have done a better job to protect Billy’s outfit.”
Still holding the blue Sharpie and Billy’s costume, the men headed back upstairs to grab more loot.
“Our P.E. class was inside the south weight room, and we were all doing push ups in unison when the door opened,” said Anna Anna ‘29. “We kept doing our push ups but watched in silence as they grabbed two five-pound weights and four twenty-pound weights and left.”
Back in the lobby, the men exited out the front door, waving at the security guard posted at the front desk.
“I was half asleep and didn’t notice the Billy costume one of them was wearing,” said guard Eggcan Goateye. “I smiled and waved as they left. I feel horrible because I let down the school and students.”
Outside, the men tore away on matching pink unicycles, dropping Mr. Gordon’s Sharpie on the way.
“The Sharpie is one of the defining pieces of evidence as we search for the suspects in order to bring Billy home,” said head police chief Arnold Palmer. “We have all eyes on this case and are putting every single one of our Chicago police officers in search of these individuals.”
Students are enraged, grieving, and shocked. “I can’t believe I recorded them walking through the hallway and did nothing to stop them,” said Cook. “If I had noticed something was off, I could have saved Billy’s outfit.”The faculty are just as overwhelmed. “I failed our school and the students,” said Boogerfeet. “It was the biggest mistake of my life and I live in constant regret.”
In the following weeks, CPD will work tirelessly to bring home weights, vending machine, and of course, Billy costume. The suspects will be found and arrested.
“As difficult as this event is, it will be solved,” said Palmer. “In the meantime, students and staff must pray and manifest that Billy’s costume be brought home. Justice will be served.”
