As the year comes to a close and summer turns to fall, many Jones seniors are feeling down on themselves, facing one of the most important decisions of their lives, shadowed by an incredibly turbulent and volatile political climate in the United States.

Well, worry no longer, seniors. If you’re drowning in supplementals and financial aid requests, feeling like there’s not much of a point to all of this and you’re just gonna end up spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to end up in a field that Sam Altman is actively working to occupy with robots just for the hell of it, the Blueprint Recommendations Team has just the solution for you; bang your head into a wall repeatedly!

It might sound harsh, almost harmful, and it sure is. But honestly, does it sound any worse than what’s going on right now? Some people smoke cigarettes, some people go out for long, mysterious drives in the middle of the night for hours at a time in complete silence, and some people completely isolate themselves from the outside world to avoid the harrowing state of society. In perspective, banging your head against a wall really isn’t that harmful!

And the benefits are undeniable. Since I started banging my head into the wall repeatedly, I no longer think about all the scary things going on around me, or the seven supplemental essays I have due in a week! Whenever I look at how much money I’m projected to spend on college to get a screenwriting degree, I just head towards my nearest, preferably concrete, wall, and slam my cranium into it until I eventually pass out! And the best part is: no hangover! The side effects of banging your head into a wall are permanent, so all the mental agility you lose from it will just become the new normal, and you won’t even notice it after a while! Frankly, you won’t notice much of anything at all after a while. Some people tell me I’ve been repeating myself over and over again, but in my eyes, I don’t repeat myself at all!

But don’t take my word for it. Just listen to this happy senior, finally relieved of the weight of life!

“…,” said Cranston McDuck ‘26.

Some people say that the weight of senior year will crush you. Well, we at the Blueprint Recommendations Board say a wall should instead. After all, some people tell me I’ve just been repeating myself over and over again. Our new normal is amazing, and I’ll never get enough of it because I never remember it!

School is just too stressful these days to justify any of this. You might call it “destructive”, “stupid”, “not even an acceptable thing to print in a newspaper”, but I call it “what did you say?” or “I don’t repeat myself at all.”

Evading the responsibilities of life is a well-known solution to most of your problems, and this is our favorite method. Quick and easy. Who doesn’t like quick and easy? I used to worry about whether or not the country would ever even have another election, but now I don’t even have to think about it because I could never read a ballot. The words just jump around on the page, and it doesn’t matter because I can’t read them anymore anyway!

My new life is amazing. Although this will be our last post from the Blueprint Recommendations Board, as the Department of Health and Human Services ordered the shutdown of this print for “encouraging bodily harm to minors,” (who even knew the government still had employees…), we like to think this is our best print ever. Frankly, if you follow our guidelines, it’s the last recommendation you’ll ever need!