BREAKING: Jones College Prep forced to shut down emergency stairwell after suspected “goblin mine” found at bottom.

On May 1, security reportedly discovered a staggering group of seventeen goblins in Jones’ fan-favorite old building emergency stairwell. According to witnesses, they were crawling up and down the walls, speaking a foreign tongue, baking an otherworldly stew, and a plethora of other activities.

“It was horrifying. I walked into that stairwell, checked behind the stairs, y’know,” said security guard Colin O’Scopy. “And there it was: the empire.”

Despite this being a new discovery to admin, students have allegedly known about these goblins for a long time, accepting them as a part of their school community.

“I’m not upset about the goblins,” said Mars Wyzowski ‘25. “I’m upset that security found out. They were just as much part of the Jones community as any other student.”

However, some students did not take nicely to these creatures, and they are done hiding their fear now that the secret’s out.

“They’re violent, they’re aggressive, they’re slightly provocative, and I’m just done. I can’t go into that stairwell without getting harrassed,” said Calvin Beck ‘26. 

Despite some hesitation, students have reportedly been engaging in goblin activities behind security’s back.

“Sometimes we cook together. They’re actually pretty impressive chefs, and their kitchen is nothing short of premier,” said Wyzowski. “Their secret ingredient? Well, I can’t really say that on the school paper.” 

The goblins have even brought on some musical inspiration, as students have taken creative liberties to honor their secret friends.

“I am a goblin in goblin town, all of my spells will make you frown. Witch in the well, you will drown,” sang local rap superstar Julie Couture. 

With the clear controversy following this goblin news, there is no doubt that politics got brought up. 

“I am sick of these liberal goblin-sympathizers coming into our school and telling us how we’re supposed to feel about these monsters,” said Beck. 

However, these so-called “goblin-sympathizers” strike back, pushing their own stance on the issue.

“I think we should free goblin town,” said Wyzowski. “These goblins built Jones from the ground up, and they don’t deserve to be locked away any longer. I don’t care what the conservatives say, I’m a goblin-sympathizer and I am proud.”

In the midst of all this debate, the goblins themselves have been given little voice on their future due to communication difficulties.

“освободите нас! освободите нас! я больше не могу выносить эту грязную лестницу,” said Helga Marsh (the Jones Blueprint unfortunately does not have a translator).

At the end of the day, the goblins have clearly already made their homeland, and security’s best judgment remains keeping them where they are, locked up and out of students’ reach.

“Students are safe, the goblins are locked away,” said O’Scopy. “I’m just glad we shut it down while we still could.”