In a recent move that has raised both eyebrows and cholesterol levels, JCP administration has been giving away free microwavable meals to the student body. 

Students are excited but confused about the giveaways; they appreciate the freebies yet unsure what circumstances led Jones to get ahold of such items. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I was really excited when I found out there was free mac and cheese in the lobby,” said Keeley Chiu ‘25. “But I’m definitely wondering where the food is even coming from and why it was given to Jones.” 

Administration has yet to provide any clarity regarding the sudden release of microwavable confections, simply sending an eerie schoolwide email to advertise its newfound products. 

“I opened my email to find a blurry picture of a box of mac and cheese and administration warning me that the stock wasn’t guaranteed to last,” said Michael Lane ‘25. “That definitely motivated me to go get some mac and cheese, but it was also a sort of creepy way to reach out to the students.” 

Not to mention, the message arrived in inboxes out of the blue in the middle of the school day, with absolutely no warning whatsoever. 

“I was sitting in third period when the email came through. My entire class wanted some food, but was worried all the boxes would run out before our lunch period came,” said Chiu. 

The worry that stock would run out, as administration cautioned, was common throughout most classrooms, leading to a mad rush in the lobby. 

“This is going to sound dramatic, but it was kind of like the cornucopia in the Hunger Games,” said Emma Feca ‘25. “Everyone was rushing to get food before it was gone, and people were grabbing up to five or six boxes at a time.” 

The lack of explanation has left students wary, especially considering rumors of food poisoning floating around social media platforms. 

“I didn’t think much of it until I saw someone’s snapchat story saying their friend got food poisoning from the mac and cheese,” said Chiu. “That really got me thinking about how odd the situation is.” 

What began with mac and cheese quickly spread to other delicacies, making the situation all the more shocking. 

“I thought that the mac and cheese would be the end of it, so I was really surprised when I got an email announcing meatballs in the lobby the week after,” said Feca. “This has never happened at Jones before, as far as I know, so the fact that it happens twice in the span of a week is definitely unexpected.” 

Students could be observed roaming the halls with a comical amount of microwavable food in their arms. 

“The humor of the situation was almost better than the fact that I was getting free meals,” said Belcore. “I sat and watched people pass by with stacks upon stacks of food boxes. Sometimes they were so high the person could barely see over the top.” 

The puzzle has yet to be unraveled, but until then students can hopefully count on the continued release of free food leading up to the end of the year. 

“I’d love some clarification, but that’s not going to stop me from getting more free meals,” said Lane.