The student news site of Jones College Prep High School


The student news site of Jones College Prep High School


The student news site of Jones College Prep High School


SATIRE: Gnome more!

Small, unidentifiable gnome continuously terrorizes Jones Students
Photo by Calvin Beckert ‘26

In the past few weeks, Jones students have reported that a small, unidentifiable gnome has been running past them quickly, but by the time they try to get a look, the gnome is nowhere to be seen. 

Some students even report personal belongings going missing and fear the gnome is out for more than just their items.

“That [expletive] gnome is going to make me go [expletive] crazy. I had my ID in my backpack the other day, and I turned away for what, 9 days, and then suddenly I showed up to school and my ID was gone,” said Colin O’Scopy ‘24. “Sure, it could have been that I brought my backpack to Cabo over break, but I swear to god it was that [expletive] gnome.”

Although the gnome has never been spotted, students report hearing a high-pitched, evil laugh echo through the halls.

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“I swear to god! Swear to god I hear that [expletive] gnome! Everywhere I go, I turn my head and I hear this high-pitched, annoying ‘hee-hee-hee’ noise,” said O’Scopy.

Some students point to another possible explanation regarding the laughing and running heard in the hallway.

“I mean, it could be a gnome, but it could also just be some of those freshmen. They’re so short that they probably just hide behind you or something. The laughing is weird, but so are the freshmen, that just seems in character for some of them,” said Sophia More ‘26. 

Some students have put together a research team to track down the origin of said gnome with the help of longtime Advanced Placement (AP) Tables teacher and conspiracy theorist Petey Attricks. 

“Frankly, we have no idea where the gnome came from. Reports of missing items have increased by nearly 300 percent the last two days, but who knows how long the gnome or possibly even gnomes have been plotting and scheming,” said Petey Attricks.

Some students find the theory ridiculous and question the gnome’s existence.

“I really doubt that there’s a gnome, to be quite honest. And there’s a group now, apparently, run by that one AP Tables teacher, Mr. Attricks,” said More. “You would think his class is about times tables or something, but no. It’s just furniture, I was the only student who took the class last year and we just looked at tables all day.”

Despite the skepticism, the potential gnome has students afraid to show up and fear what could be taken away from them next.

“First it’s our ID’s, small items, homework, and other easily losable items. But what is it next? Aclab could be taken, maybe even the whole new building could just be up and gone one day, or even worse, he could steal our souls,” said O’Scopy.

Students and teachers who say they’ve had enough have banded together to create a spread of assorted nuts and berries on the sixth floor in hopes of attracting the gnome to their trap.

“Listen, I had to skirt around admin on this one, but me and some students during my usual AP Tables had an interactive class period where we made a table and covered it in nuts and berries, which if you weren’t aware, gnomes like very much,” said Attricks. “ I know this gnome is real, and I know we are going to catch it.”

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Calvin Beckert '26
Calvin Beckert '26, Journalism I

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