SATIRE: Clash-lab for classrooms

Turf wars erupt as students forced to relocate out of hallways during AcLab


New changes to AcLab rules at Jones College Prep means the loss of some spaces frequented by students, as students must now leave the hallways to relocate to classrooms.

The top of the courtyard stairs are often occupied by “The FratsTM,” a friend group of juniors outraged by the AcLab change.

“Every B day at 1:45 we gather at the top of the stairs in the 30-degree weather and talk about Snapchat, lacrosse and coffee,” said Stanze Sup ‘24, a member of The FratsTM. “Where are we supposed to move now that we can’t sit there anymore? The freshmen areas?”

The freshmen aren’t too happy about the rule changes either, with Mack “Masc” Mann ‘26 sharing his feelings about more students potentially intruding on his buddies’ space on the third floor of the North Building.

“I will literally fight anyone who comes to try to take our spot, bro,” said Mann, who, before the interview, went around the hallway to avoid three seniors. “Especially the seniors, bro, they have such an annoying attitude.”

Taking away some frequented AcLab spots includes the locally acclaimed “Lover’s NestTM,” located on the entire third floor lobby of the South Building, much to the chagrin of sophomore couple Lee Mealone ‘25 and Carrie Ohn ‘25.

“I’ve heard leaving would mean we’d have to relocate to room 4034 or something, which could mean people might actually see us,” said Mealone, cuddling with Ohn right out in the open. “There’s so many juniors in there I can’t stand it. It’d be so embarrassing for them to see us,” added Ohn.

Junior Jacob Smith ‘24, who sits across from Sup in their biology class, didn’t care about the potential loss of the top of the courtyard staircase to the hands of nobody.

“I mean Stanze makes it out to be a World Heritage Site so it must be important I guess,” said Smith. “Although I’ve literally never hung out there. I just study in my English teacher’s room with a couple sophomores I know during AcLab.”

An irate Sup took shots at Smith for his scandalous AcLab behavior.

“Smith is a traitor to the juniors. He spends his AcLab productively with his friends and is unaffected by the rule changes? How dare he,” said Sup. “We should take over his English teacher’s classroom for the juniors and push out the sophomores.”

Mealone and Ohn express disdain for this anti-sophomore sentiment, saying it limits their options of relocation they’re comfortable with.

“Moving to room 4034 would make Carrie and I very uncomfortable with all the juniors around,” said Mealone. “I’ve heard 304 is very sophomore-friendly, we would much rather move there,” said Ohn.

Mann stated that his buddies would have nowhere to go with new AcLab changes, expressing certain enmity towards a group of seniors in the room they often hang out in front of.

“I would literally scream if I had to move from this place bro,” said Mann, huddled with his friends in the obscure third floor hallway. “I want to hang out in the room right there [304], but there’s this group of seniors who I swear hate me.”

Mann’s friend, Ben Balin ‘26, shared Mann’s feelings on the dangers of relocating AcLab spots with seniors.

“Those seniors literally hate us, I swear. If we have to relocate to that room they’ll literally bully us. There’s this one guy especially who despises us, his name’s Adrian,” said Balin. “Moving to that room would literally be unsafe for us.”

Adrian Rodriguez ‘23 was asked for comment about Masc Mann and his friends and their hatred towards Rodriguez and his friends.

“Who?” said Rogriguez.